The Heat is On

The Spanking Bloggers Network has been closed down by the powers that be, how outrageous. Big Brother is closing in on us all Still, I must say I rather like being a subversive, it appeals to my maverick sensibilities. Thomas has relocated the spirit of SBN under Fetlife here (thanks Pink). Thomas is a bit like Voldemort in Harry Potter – he can’t be killed off until you find all the places where he has hidden pieces of his soul, one resilient dude (and not all that evil, just for clarification)

Now I’ve only been into Fetlife once or twice, it being a bit scary for an exploring type of chap. Funny how many things people are “into”. Just recently a trip to far flung parts inspired me to grow chillies. Having purchased a promising pack of seeds (with a special pot) I was very surprised to find only three seeds in it!  This is a long way from the usual several thousand I’m used to. I did plant them, all three came up and I duly potted them on into enormous tubs in the conservatory. The plants are amazingly identical and I have named them Tom, Dick and Harry, which they seem to like. For some reason I think of them as triplets, and say “hello” whenever I pass. I was thinking of starting a group for parents of triplet chillies in Fetlife, is this too specialised? I’m sure they are going to be a problem at the teenage stage. I’ve already been told that I should have let them get pot-bound, and they will spend all their time growing roots now, duh. Not got the heart to mess with them, they look so happy rooting away. There’s a little parable in there somewhere, isn’t there, Dear Reader? Heart warming or what

And now, with a dexterity only matched by a matchless command of the English language I switch seamlessly from chillies to spanking.

Perhaps you’ll remember to water the chillies now Missy!

These Polish au pairs are very good, but have no horticultural skills in my experience, heh heh. Big Brother has just informed me the switch wasn’t entirely successful, Dear Reader, apparently there was some mention of chillies again. It seems I have misled my audience, who are now permanently scarred by the deception. Well (hope you enjoyed the garters SOTB)

*** Wordsmith your licence has been revoked. We have received complaints that your allowed drivel contained a piece of naked sarcasm. OK, one complaint. Yes it was my mum. No she wasn’t naked.

Random

Don’t worry, Dear Reader, my poor posting rate is not due to any significant malaise, or indeed laziness. Quite the reverse actually – I am burning my candle at seven ends at the moment. One good thing about drivel is that it requires very little thought, my fingers just hit the keyboard and out it comes. The difficult mental challenge is then reading it and still hitting “post” Anyway to more serious matters: spanking pictures. As regular Readers will know, I just write this stuff to space these out nicely. Normally I like to have a theme, but today, in the interests of speed, I’m just going to stick my hand into the aether and pull out some at random and critique them. This will stop you getting any clever insights into my psyche as the selection is unbiased (yes I did get those emails, thank you Itellyouasitis)…

#1 AJR in bunches

What could be more satisfying than smacking AJR’s beskirted bottom? Where do you apply for the job? I do have O-level biology.

#2 Ping Pong

If you dye your hair red, this sort of thing is inevitable. It’s nothing to do with the cute white pants and socks, or the nice resounding “thwack” of a ping pong bat on a sexy little bottom. Nice subtle ouchy expression here too, those acting lessons have paid off!

actually that did b****y sting Wordsmith!

Well let’s finish with Miss Jones demonstrating some classic spanking poses!

#1 – Oh my god could my bottom get any sorer???

#2 – Yes!!!

#3 – glowing and sensitive, now perfect for caning!

Thank you Miss Jones, what a sport.

Agony Aunt

It’s been a long time time since I opened the postbag, Dear Reader. Apparently some poor deluded folk think my drivel is a subtle mask for wisdom, and would like my advice. Of course they are quite right, who better to really screw them up help?

Dear Wordsmith, my boyfriend often spanks me for no apparent reason…is this normal?

Thank you for sending in the picture, sweetbutsore, all is clear – you’ve a cute butt, wear jeans, and bend over in a lovely submissive way. There’s not much you can do, as it is all pretty irresistible. Just don’t wear shorts *gulp*

Dear Wordsmith, I would like my boyfriend to spank me, but am too shy to ask – would wearing this outfit give him the idea?

*splurt*…sorry about that, Dear Reader, bit embarrassing. Anyway, thank you sweetbutcheery, I’m afraid it probably won’t. I think your only option is to come over and let me talk things through with you. No need to change.

Dear Aunty Wordsmith, I like to be spanked by my boyfriend, but he stops too soon. What can I do to encourage him?

Sure he’s not just passed out sweetbutsexy? I’m feeling a bit faint myself. It’s a number 63 bus from your place to here.

Dear Wordsmith, I’m sure my boyfriend spanks me too hard, how can I get him to be a bit more sensitive?

This is an interesting one sweetbutyelling. It looks like you’ve tried the very loud feedback technique. I suspect he knows what he’s doing, heh heh (well, that was a bit rude, sorry!)

Yep, it looks like beneath that thin veneer of drivel there is a thick layer of insensitive lechery. Damn.

Patience is a Virtue

Do you have helpful neighbours Dear Reader? There’s nothing better – particularly considerate teenagers, popping round to see if any jobs need doing…

It’s not gone out Wordsmith, shall I blow on it?

I try and establish some rapport, getting them to chat about what they are up to and everything…

I’m a bit of a bad girl Wordsmith, Mum says someone should smack my bottom!

*gulp* Really?

You’ve got a lot of junk Wordsmith

Yes, thank you. You are supposed to be helping actually, not putting your feet on my chair.

Ever tried scooting along like this Wordsmith?

You’re going to be bending over that chair in a minute young lady

Oh Yes Sir, I’m so sorry Sir. Please don’t spank me Sir!

Very funny.

So what does a girl have to do to get spanked around here?

It would be nice if you actually did something rather than mess around all the time.

How about this? Very naughty!

I’m just thinking about confiscating your iPad now.

OK, OK…You’re just no fun Wordsmith

Strewth. Boots back on the chair again. Get those jeans down Miss.

Hot in Vegas

Despite my predilection for remote wild spots, one of my favourite places in the world is Las Vegas. It just hums all day long, always something to do and see. Of course you do get all those helpful types on the street, who hand you cards – when I first went there I took one, not knowing what they were…oh what naughty girls!

This set me thinking…I suppose there must be some who specialise in the bottom-end of the market Must be funny attending to a high-roller, dressed to the nines in a smart outfit; sipping cocktails as he plays blackjack, elegantly accompanying him to a fancy restaurant – and then changing into your schoolgirl outfit in his room…

…to get him ready for bed

You would have to start sipping your cocktail standing up as the week goes on, elegantly rubbing the seat of your tight skirt to advertise your services to other punters. Is there an unspoken rule in such things – does each punter expect an unmarked target? Of course a real high-roller would expect your full attention…

and great presentation skills

*Gulp* I’m finally cured of playing Blackjack.

Nicely Waited

I think I’ve just invented a new literary form, where you use a well-known expression but misspell one or two words so it sounds right but reads with a different meaning. I shall call it “drivelisation”…

No doubt some smart Alec has already used this form and coined more serious terminology (Latin?), but I shall stick my fingers in my ears and sing la la la if anyone points this out. We etymologists take innovation very seriously. One drawback of the technique is that people may just assume you are illiterate, and miss the cleverness.

Does anyone watch  ”The Big Bang Theory” sitcom? So funny. I caught S the other night laughing at Sheldon and looking at me. Yes, I know, outrageous.

Anyway, what is the best way to wait?

Nervously, rubbing your bottom in anticipation?

Lying upside down on the stairs?

Nicely

Nope, no poll here, I’ve decided. Lovely bedspread.

Unlucky for Some

Here’s a suggestion: how about any Friday the 13th being “spank a brat” day? This would efficiently link up the traditional implications whilst getting rid of any unluckiness in a harmless and enjoyable activity. Well relatively harmless Any brat wanting to make use of the unluckiness-releasing services of our kind volunteers only need wear a tight pair of shorts and drop in to one of our “get your butt paddled here” offices…

we would be only too delighted to help!

Funny how some people seem to get paddled longer and harder than others. Rabbits’ feet, who needs them? Just touch wood.

Fantasy about Teacher

...and then Sir would say "Bend Over, Victoria"

In her mind’s eye he is flexing his whippy cane, sternly watching her bottom rise into position. How would it feel, swiped hard across her bare cheeks? He would take his time, talking in his deep voice and thrashing her soundly until her whole bum was scarlet. She would have to answer, feeling the cane tapping gently across her scorched behind…”Six more to finish” he says…”Oh, Yes Sir”…

Miss Jones’s Daydream

Yes Mr Clooney, I remember what you said would happen...

Shall I bend over...oh, my skirt first...yes Sir

...your belt across my bare behind? Yes Sir, I understand.

I know it's for my own good, Mr Clooney...

Bend over the chair? Sorry I thought you said sit!

Shall I take this off first? Feels a bit silly with just knickers

Twelve swipes?...yes Sir

Hard?...Oh..Yes, Mr Clooney, Sir!

***

Ooh, that is really sore. Tonight? Yes Sir, I think I might just be free...

In her dreams indeed

Wordsmith Reports

It’s great when I finally get some time again to do a bit of fieldwork – to get away from the usual routine, camera and mic at the ready! I am an explorer by instincts, I love following my nose and seeing what I find. Luckily, it’s my experience that people like talking, finding someone is interested in them…

Who are you again? Wordsmurf??

I have to stop wearing this blue anorak. After a while you do get an instinct for spotting someone with a tale to tell. A good reporter keeps his eyes open and lurks around the girls’ college (other techniques have been known to work as well). Anyone sitting in a corridor looking nervous is a good bet…

I'm waiting for the Dean, Wordsworth. Don't really want to talk at the moment.

Wordsworth? Right. It makes you despair, doesn’t it, Dear Reader. Sadly typical of the younger generation, can’t even concentrate for a minute or two when someone takes an interest. Still, it looks like we have some action anyway. Seems justice needs to be seen to be done these days, right here in the corridor! How does it feel getting your butt paddled in public Miss?

...can we talk about this later Wordsmith?

Well, at least that’s polite. I suppose she is bound to be a bit distracted at the moment. Fortunately the Dean’s secretary was good enough to give me the name of two other people to interview – the previous and next “applicants”. Quick whizz up the stairs…I must say they have rather better rooms than in my day, I seem to remember everything being a bit…sordid…here we are!  This must be the “previous”…yep, definitely looks like it.

You can't sit down for days, Wordsmut.

It’s Wordsmith. Sometimes, Dear Reader, you do feel that maybe a few extra swats were needed. But it’s not too bad an effort, still good and red an hour later and seems to have made a definite impression. Was slightly surprised when she whipped down her jeans and pants to show me, but meeting a celebrity can sometimes overexcite a sophomore. Luckily I’m too professional to do anything untoward, just a re-assuring pat and we must be on our way!

“Owww!!!”

Oops. Always hard to judge these things. Blimey, it’s even more plush down this end. Here we are…apparently “Felicity” has some behavioural issues…

It's not fair Mr Wordsmith. I am completely innocent. I'm so glad you've come, you can help me explain to the Dean how I was framed by some very low-class and jealous girls!

Strewth. I am definitely going to attend this meeting later on. There are few more satisfying sights than a classy girl getting her butt spanked, and it sounds like it’s going to be a long session. Those socks are to die for Hello, something going on outside, sounds like someone has tired of waiting for Felicity…Hold on Dean! Can you wait just a sec while I have a quick chat with ummm..oh thanks. Hi Celia, how do you feel about the Dean’s approach of paddling on the spot rather than behind closed doors?

It gets it over with Wordstiff, or it did until you turned up

Ha ha. It’s Wordsmith actually. Blame Felicity and her socks. Right, time to try a door at random, that’s the only way to get a statistically significant sample! …Gulp.

You've come to the right place Wordsmelt, I could talk for ages!

Don’t look at me like that Dear Reader, she can talk whilst I’m spanking her!