Quantum Mechanics

You said wear a tie, Sir

Now a few people have pointed out that they have much better things to do than read my blog, such as working, doing something useful or, most cruelly, cutting their toenails. To counter this I have decided to add more educational content, and naturally my mind immediately went to Quantum Mechanics. I realise that some of you might at this point be rolling your eyes a bit, thinking some maths might be appearing shortly, but no. You will be pleased to hear that QM (as we like to call it) does involve a lot of maths, but the basic principle is very simple: whatever you think makes sense isn’t right. It is fundamentally weird, and as such uniquely suitable for spankos to study. I’m going to stick with two main bits of weirdness and keep it short as I am uncomfortably aware that you are already starting to wonder where the spanking comes in, and if not, why not.

1. “The Uncertainty Principle” ; this is believed to be a fundamental effect built into the fabric of the universe. In short it means that if you know one thing exactly at any moment of time, you aren’t able to know anything about something else. I’m sure we’ve all had days like that. The way I explain it to new female students is that it is not theoretically possible for them to know both the exact position and velocity of my hand at the same moment, when they are across my knee. I have had a few objections from the brighter students that the intense stinging sensation from their bottom is a bit of a give away, but if I keep going long enough they tend to come around to my point of view, well they come anyway.

2. “Entanglement” ; well if you thought number one was weird, this is the biggy. Here it is possible for objects to become intimately linked such that anything done to one will instantly effect the others, wherever they may be in the universe. The more learned amongst you will immediately see that this contravenes Einstein’s theory of special relativity, common sense, and the price of fish. All the Tops will have realised if they spank one entangled girl, all the others will be hopping about as well. Who says physics isn’t relevant to the man in the street?

Well that is probably enough for now. The ladies amongst you will now be able to impress nerds at parties, who will see you as the perfect prospective wife: witty, intelligent, and needing your bottom smacking. Sorry about that.

Those of you who didn’t sneak out at the interval (I know who did) will probably be wondering about the slide above. I just thought I would also bring up the sad lack of respect that young people seem to have these days. Well everyone else has, so why shouldn’t I? On the rare occasions where I have had to reluctantly discipline a young lady for some serious transgression, such as unauthorised smirking, I usually insist on them wearing something formal, to add gravitas to the occasion. As you can see, one or two of them seem to find it hard to understand the principles involved. I never said anything about socks (still, quite a nice touch).

I hope this little experiment has proved successful. There is a list where you can add your name for part II – and I’m pleased to see there is already an entry! “Get a life, Professor”. Right. Fortunately I recognise the handwriting, and will be taking your advice, Missy, with your help. See me after the Post.