Spankle

My office after work Missy. Bring a ruler

My software team are giving me a bit of trouble. OK I admit it, I thought I could fool you, but a few people have spotted it. Sometimes my blog is written by a Java plugin, called SPANKLE which uses a modified search engine (SPOOGLE) to locate suitable content on the web. Creating this was a bit of a challenge: a top software agent was easy to design (only one simple, logical process needed) but architecting the bottom pink-and-poppy inference engine was a nightmare. Sorry if I am losing you with these technical terms (same thing happened to me when writing the program) the main message is that poor posts are nothing to do with me – blame IT or the content providers. Or if you are female you can vent your spleen on the support forum www.goawaywearenotinterested.com where our operative will attend to you.

**** PLUGIN HAS CRASHED, RELOADING….

Hmmm, that’s better. The inference engine is definitely working overtime here, though its underlying algorithms are clearly in evidence. Now I do like watching a girl spank another girl, and I do like Daisy Dukes (who doesn’t). Such situations have the added advantage that a naturally polite person such as myself can simply offer to help out: I suspect I can spank considerably harder than Blondie, who really looks like she is built more for an otk position herself. Hey, She seems to have a nice wide leather belt on! Probably needed to keep her dukes up, with any luck. Cute Hats. I can’t decide on the most compelling proposition – tight dukes are a natural target for a fast-swung belt, but the smack of leather on a pert bare bottom definitely has its appeal. Oh well, there are two of them – the solution is obvious….

**** PLUGIN HAS CRASHED, FATAL TOP OVERLOAD

Dangerous Curves

...think they'll notice the sign now?

Yup, definitely worth a smacked bottom. Must be a few rules about obstructing official signs or something. I’m getting this thing about girls standing on tiptoe now, dear me. There is something rather cute about wearing trainers and socks and…not much else. Oh, I’m wrong she has a bangle. That’s good. Do you think the motorists will be thinking more about the dangerous curves right here? I do too. We will have to add “distracting a driver during his lawful progression down the public highway” to the indictment. I’ll just have a look in the penalty book…well that’s a surprise, a good spanking!

Naughty but Nice

Cute. Oh I can hardly spank you

Lovely little pink bows and sweetly provocative tippy-toed positioning here - I heard that! My caption was not sarcastic, you cynics! She’s pretty perfect, apart from the tattoo (not keen on those). May be it’s just a Henna one and will come off with a bit of rubbing (nice thought). Might have to get her to peel down her pants a bit, well quite a bit, to check how far down it goes. Might have to tell her off about the tattoo, and then might have to apply a nice stingy strap until her bottom is a better match for her hair. Might need a quick cold shower now. Oh, you’re right, she might get cold waiting. No gentleman should let that happen. Thwack. Thwack. Thwack!! She seems to have mixed feelings about it. Women eh? Unfathomable.

Coach Trip II

Morning Miss Jones, lovely day, nice shorts! You OK? Migraine, oh dear. Good idea to wear dark glasses. You should eat some breakfast though, the buffet’s great. Come on through. Well just coffee then. Yikes!! Yes, that must have hurt your head, do they normally cheer like that? I’ll get you some coffee. Morning Victoria, you’re looking perky. Is it fattening? Thanks, but I need all the energy I can get. Is she? We all have quiet days, don’t we? There are plenty of cushions about, Victoria, she can have three if she wants. It’s a bit early for so many questions, have you got your breakfast? Then go sit down please. Now. That was quick.

OK EVERYONE, TWENTY MINUTES AND WE’RE AWAY!
Sorry Miss Jones.

***

Everyone in? Just need to wait for Miss Jones, she wanted to pop into the shop for some last minute supplies. Serina, is that your bag? Can you put it in the back please, there’s no room. There isn’t. I’m not aware of giving you “the look”, whatever that may be, can you shift it please. No, I’m not picking on you, no-one else has a bag here have they? It’s nothing to do with your nose ring, I quite like it actually. Would be much improved with a smile underneath. Well, that didn’t work. Don’t throw the bag down the – good grief.

Kylie, you’re in the wrong seat, aren’t you? I have forgiven you, but I like a spare seat next to me. For sleeping. Who says they are softer at the front? Hmmm, seems they are. OK, we’ll swap. I don’t need the microphone Lauren, I’m not a tour guide. Fine by me, but no singing, I need some sleep. OK Miss Jones? Careful on those steps. Yup, dark glasses can make it tricky…Serina!! Don’t barge past. I am not bullying you, young lady. Look, I’m going to the back now, just wake me up when we get there…

***

Hey everyone, lunch stop! Thank God. Yes Sandra, pick up your lunch and go where you like – BUT NOBODY BY THEMSELVES. Back in forty minutes. Not you Serina, you’re staying on the bus. You know why. The driver didn’t think it was funny, he’s gone straight to the loo.Yes, a sincere apology would help a lot, I’ll let you know when I hear one. Perhaps it is illegal imprisonment, not sure. Your dad’s lawyers are probably very busy people Serina, I doubt they’ll be interested. You’re looking much brighter Miss Jones! There’s a coffee place down by the water. No, I’ve not seen your water bottle. Shall I have a look around while you’re away? I better stay with you-know-who…Serina, if you’re that unhappy do you want to try again? Make sure you catch them up. Good heavens, very nearly a smile. Pardon me Miss Jones? Not exactly water…sh**.
Sorry Miss Jones.

***

Anyone seen Kylie or Sandra? I was going to ask if anyone seemed unusually loud and giggly, but that’s obviously a waste of time. How about sleepy? Yes Indira – who’s dopey? Snow White’s pal. Funny. Might be a good idea to say something sensible at this point, really quickly. Perhaps your memory would be better back on the bus. OK,OK…I do believe you, sorry. Sandra! Where’s Kylie? That’s a surprise, didn’t see her as a bookworm. There’s a “fit dude” working there. Right..I think. Blimey, she’s only been off the bus thirty minutes. No, no problem. Your chirpy face says all is well.

***

Yes, I am a bit annoyed Victoria, how did you know? Deep lines on my forehead, I see. No, the driver won’t be able to drive for quite a while. Not sure how he came to drink it. I’m just going to try and work out how long we have to wait, with Miss Jones’s help. Yep, we are going to be very late. I don’t suppose you know how it came to be in his cab? Don’t panic!! You’re not on the list of suspects. You get an instinct for these things, Victoria. No, there isn’t a real list.

***

How much vodka Miss Jones!! That’s going to be five or six hours. Guess we will have to have dinner here. No, the bar isn’t open yet, Miss Jones. Actually…that about does it. Do you remember that bench by the lake? Yes, by the spur. Go and wait for me there please. Yes, right now. I know you’re not Kylie, she has more sense. Yes, it does mean what you think it means, judging by the fact your hands are on your behind. That’s not a problem, Miss Jones. If anybody is walking by they will see a very irresponsible teacher bending over and having her bottom soundly caned. If you’re lucky none of the girls will be out that way. With those shorts they are certainly going to be able to see the results, anyway. Anything else you want to ask? That’s good. I’ll just see if I can find a nice whippy cane, see you in ten minutes…

Legs

Just a minute Miss, I've dropped something...

Naughty! No I didn’t take this picture, and I don’t approve of clandestine shots. I have a signed, authorised document saying this, which is available to anyone interested. Seems you are looking elsewhere, tut.

Coach Trip

…Hello Miss Jones, Yes I’m Lauren’s Dad. No problem at all, Lauren told me the trip couldn’t go ahead unless a parent volunteered, and I’ve never done this sort of thing before, so I thought “why not?”.  Brave? Ha Ha. OK, I know paperwork waits for no man, sorry woman…I’ll get the coach loaded, see you in a bit.

***

OK, bags in the boot everyone and…into the coach! No I’m not a new teacher, I’m Lauren’s Dad. No I’m not driving, I’m riding shotgun. Well at least you are easily amused. Get into the coach. No I’m not going to show you my guns. Get into the coach. Yes, in the boot. Then get into the coach. You two, where are you going? There’s no time for that, we’re running late. Can you get into the coach please? Why are you getting off the coach, lass? No you’re not. Get into the coach. WILL EVERYBODY GET INTO THE COACH!!! Yes, sorry…you’re quite right Victoria I shouldn’t have shouted. No, you’re right again, I haven’t had any training, bit late now, you’re stuck with me as is. Now is everyone on? I don’t think my clothes are old fashioned…Serena? At least I don’t have a ring through my nose. Yes, sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it was a bit rude. Now, please don’t get upset, you’ll get me in trouble with Miss Jones. Hopefully Miss Jones won’t give me detention, no. Thank you for offering Kylie, but if I do get a detention it won’t help if you join me. Right, just need to find Miss Jones and then we’re off!

***

OK everyone, we’re at the first lodge! Bit late, but you all know why. Please unload your bags, your rooms have been preallocated – ask at the desk. Yes, make sure you get your bag Serena. Kylie, what are you doing? He’s asleep, and for your information we say “poor homeless person” not “smelly old tramp”. Just get into the lodge. No I won’t buy you a new iPod if you give him yours. Yes it was a nice thought, pick up your bag and go, Miss. Victoria, I thought you were checked in. Lauren’s room isn’t better than yours, they’re all the same. It isn’t favouritism, they were preallocated, I had no idea what they were like. A bigger mirror isn’t the end of the world Victoria. OK, look, if my room is “better” than yours we will swap. A smile never hurt anyone young lady. By all means go and talk to Miss Jones, she’s doing some paperwork somewhere.

Has everyone got their bag? Yep, they’re all gone. Including mine it seems.

***

OK, I’m going to join Miss Jones through here, and when I come out I want to see my bag on this table. Let no one say I haven’t a sense of humour; no more will be said, Miss Jones need never know. Yes it is the bar Sandra, and no, you aren’t allowed in there. We’ll be doing paperwork Kylie. We might have a small drink Serena. Miss Jones and I do have separate rooms, Indira – I think my wife would prefer it. Right? I’ll be back in ten minutes…

***

Yes, it is a small shop Lauren. Toothpaste, but no pyjamas. Are you sure you know nothing about this young lady? No, I’m not trying to show you up in front of your friends sweetheart. It isn’t just making a fuss. I am seriously miffed, my Kindle is in that bag. Do you want to say that in english? Who might know something?? Tell Kylie I want to talk to her tomorrow. Thank you for the advice Lauren, but I’m not you and I’m not going to “steer well clear”. Go to bed.

***

Who the heck…Kylie. It’s 11pm! I said tomorrow. No, you can’t come in, especially dressed like that – unless you have my bag somewhere? You wish I was your teacher? That’s nice, but not a good idea if you want to pass your exams, and besides I’ve seen what happened to Miss Jones. Let’s get back to the bag shall we? What was that? You think someone gave it to the tramp!! Yes, I know you said poor homeless person. I hope you are joking. You’re not. How do you know? Do you want to try that again, and look at me this time. Because it was you. I see.

Yes, I have gone a bit quiet.

If you do have more to say, now would be a good time. A “bit naughty” doesn’t quite cover it Missy. No, I don’t want to talk about it tomorrow. In fact I think we will continue this conversation right now, but with you across my knee. Get in here please! Yes, I know Miss Jones is next door. She brought more paperwork back from the bar, believe me she will hear nothing. What’s that for, I’ve already got a toothbrush? Oh, it’s yours. An alternative suggestion. I see. Yes I have gone quiet again. I’m just wondering how many extra smacks that particular “suggestion” deserves. I think you’ll find it wasn’t “worth a try” young lady. Just lie across my knee. STOP!! I didn’t say anything about dropping your pants. It’s called decorum, lady. That’s better. What did you just say? Viagra. Can you just lift your bottom for a moment please, I think these pants are surplus to requirements after all. Yes, well, I may be a bit inconsistent, but sometimes maximum sting is all that matters. No, you can’t sit next to me on the bus tomorrow – believe me you won’t want to sit anywhere for a while. Good grief. Do you ever stop talking? That’s no problem Missy, my hand isn’t going to feel cold shortly…

Seriously Naughty

That's not corner time Missy!

Yes, I know…no spanking evident here (yet). I just couldn’t resist the lovely cheeky look on her face and had to share In my defence, she is quite clearly in need of some kind but firm guidance – this sort of thing doesn’t get you far in life. Who am I kidding? She’s definitely destined for the Top…

Brats take note; this is not approved behaviour.

Delivery Man

Er...Lady? It's £8.60 for the Pizza!

Now, when I was at college I worked for a while as a refuse collector to earn extra cash, and it was certainly an eye-opener for a young lad. Needless to say I never joined in with the shenanigans, but even I would have handled this situation more sensitively – at least putting down the pizza before smacking anything. What is it about high heels that always adds something? A girl would know.

I was thrilled that some kind reader or readers pressed a couple of the “reaction” buttons on the last post. Despite the apparent army of people who trundle through here, no one ever does. I have a growing suspicion the blog is just on a convenient node in hyperspace, everyone arriving by accident having slavishly following their spanknavs, promptly then turning rapidly right and accelerating away to the Pink Report. In a fit of pique I even changed the button meanings from something sensible and useful  to…something meaningless. So now I am the victim of my own actions. A button labelled “continue” has been pressed, and a button labelled “change”. I don’t know if two different people have done this (and so I have opposing input) or just one person has pressed both, thinking I should continue blogging but try and write something less boring. I’m going to change the buttons again so I don’t have to make a decision (executive training can be useful!).

I do admit that when I look at other peoples’ blogs mine does appear a little shallow and pointless, so I am at least getting that right. Just need some traffic lights set at red…

Shampoo

Now, whose shampoo is it? MINE!!!

We’ve all had flat mates that seem to think you are there to supply their household needs and do the cleaning, haven’t we? You may think this is a little harsh for borrowing some shampoo (what a lovely red bottom!) but you have to nip these things in the bud. I even do the same for the quiet, neat, well-behaved girls, just as a precaution. They seem to appreciate knowing where they stand – in the corner, butt out A few have been known to complain about the injustice of it all, even producing receipts to show they bought the stuff – would you believe, dear reader, that people would go to such trouble as to forge such things? It takes ages to make them admit it, needing further long ouchie sessions across my knee. Rather annoyingly they then usually look for somewhere else to live – must be the shame of being found out I suppose. Strangely, those that do stay don’t seem to mend their ways, and have to spend quite a large part of their time standing up. “There be nowt as queer as folk” as they say in the North, and who would argue with that given the philosopher is puffing a pipe and wearing a flat cap?

On a genuine note I would like to thank a few eminent bloggers who have been kind enough to mention/list my blog and boost its visitors most considerably. This last week it has been standing room only, which is rather apt given the subject matter:

Bonnie – who kicked things off
Pink - who gave another push
Chross – who sent it stratospheric
Brushstrokes – second surge
MarQe – third surge, and even a caption suggestion!

and thanks Six-of-the-Best for the…poetry? Much appreciated.

Headmaster’s Helper

Just a few light swats you said, right?

Any one else want some “work experience”? I do my best to help out the local job centre – this polish lass takes her duties very seriously as you can see. I have been instructing her on the guidelines we get – a girl is supposed to be given a choice, an alternative to corporal punishment. I spend a long time explaining to the miscreant just how boring and tedious the long detentions are going to be, when a short, stimulating experience is the simple alternative. Then she beats the crap out of them; no understanding of the delicate teacher/pupil relationship, tut. I was spending my whole time supervising detentions until I instituted a simple rule – every time a girl chose the wrong way my little helper had to take her place over the desk. Worked wonders.